It's Not You, It's Me
by InfernumEquinomin
Summary: RaiXJack, After a while, kicking Jack's ass starts to just feel like plain old bullying. And Everyone knows good guys don't bully.


Title: It's Not You, It's Me.

Pairing: RaimundoXJack.

Rating: T

Warnings: Crack, such total and utter CRACK. And maybe some Chack… . that was too convenient…

Disclaimer: No, I don't own Xaoilin Showdown but you do NOT know the things I would do to get it. And no, that is no empty claim; I've done worse things for a piece of _pizza_.

Rant: came to me watching that episode "Oil in the Family" in which Omi says the line "well at least we know it wasn't really Jack that beat us but Wuya. Now the world makes sense!!!" and I just headdesked and was like "yes, poor Jack…"

Cause I loves Jack. He's adorably pathetic. And I mean that in an _entirely _affectionate way.

--

Jack honestly hadn't expected Raimundo to show up at his house, especially alone. On a Saturday.

About now they kind of had set a schedule for these things.

"Gimme a minute." he grunted, Raimundo causually leaning against a table as he wrapped up the last bit of welding he had to do. Sparks flew and then he cut the gas abruptly and turned, flipping his mask up. "so, what's up?"

"Eh, I'm actually here on official monk business." Rai stated, arms crossed and Jack blinked at him.

"By yourself? You're kidding right?" he asked and Rai scowled.

"Yeah, I'm not." he stated and Jack squared his shoulders.

"bring it, I haven't raided you guys for Wu in a while, what's the biggie?" he asked, arms crossing as he looked at his long-time nemesis. Rai sighed; scratching a little at his head, then took a deep breath.

"We've all come to a decision that you can't be our nemesis anymore." Rai broke the bad news and Jack started at him for a second, eyes slowly widening with comprehension.

"… What?!" he screeched after a moment's pause, Rai wincing.

"it feels too much like bullying to us, I mean, we've gotten strong enough to defeat Hannibal Bean, and I hate to say it but you're kind of at the same level of suck you started out with." he said as delicately as he could and Jack's eyebrow twitched as he lifted a hand to stop him.

"Wait, wait, hold on. You're… _breaking up with me_?!" he asked, completely incredulous. After all they've been through together! Rai simply averted his eyes and kneaded at his right temple.

"listen, it's not you, it's us, we just feel your evil efforts would be better suited for someone less… universe saving." he said slowly and Jack growled.

"What the hell do you expect me to do?! Kick puppies at the canine cancer treatment center?!" he yelled. He was throwing a tantrum, not that he cared, but he noticed he was. Maybe that was a sign of maturity…

"If it makes you feel useful, go ahead. You're not really _our _problem anymore, we've all got apprentices now and they need a good villain to start out on." Raimundo explained and Jack spluttered for a second, unable to find words to even _describe _how irrevocably _pissed _he was.

"I can't believe you guys are doing this! After all we've been though together! After Wuya, and Chase and--" he started to rant and Rai cut him off.

"yeah, I'm going to Chase's place next to let him know the situation too." Raimundo stated and Jack laughed outright.

"Are you kidding!? He's gonna beat you to a--" he started and Raimundo gave him a serious look.

"Not likely." he declared and Jack shut his mouth. He was right, when was the last time Chase Young had even tried to attack anybody? The guy was about as tame as those damn cats of his now. No clue why, maybe it had something to do with that trippy time alteration thing… that and some ninja guy shacking up with him or something, Wuya had been too drunk at the time to really understand what she was talking about.

"Fuck…" Jack breathed, the enormity of the amount of suckitude he embodied finally making it through to his heart. Did he really suck that much that they were dumping him for bigger and better villains? I mean, yeah, he wasn't the best and he was regularly back-stabbed by other villains and he hadn't managed to not walk home with his tail between his figurative legs in nearly two years, but hell, at least he _tried_… Raimundo seemed to sense his mood and patted him on the shoulder.

"hey, listen, it's nothing you did, it's got nothing to do with that, I guess we just outgrew you." he smiled softly and Jack mentally groaned. Really? _That _piece of shit excuse was supposed to make him feel better?

"Oh god, like that makes me feel any better…" he vocalized and Raimundo sighed, leaning on the table beside him. He cleared his throat a little, as if awkward standing here doing nothing while the weight of Jack's suck totally brought them both down."Hey… wanna make-out." Raimundo grumbled and Jack froze.

"Wait, what?" he asked, eyebrows coming together.

"I dunno, I thought it'd make you feel better or something…" Rai grumbled, obviously embarrassed to have even asked and Jack blinked at him.

"Are you saying you think I'm gay?" he asked. Insult, meet injury, injury, this is insult; maybe you should go off and add yourselves…

"You're not?" Raimundo asked, somewhat shocked, and for some reason that pissed Jack off more than them breaking all hero-villain ties with him.

"Shit, no! I'm straighter than a damn arrow, I've been with more chicks than you--" Jack stopped there and looked at the flush across Rai's face, the monk's arms crossed and his shoulders slumped. "Ooooooh…"

"I'm just gonna leave, good luck with finding a new nemesis and all that…" Raimundo scowled and went to turn and Jack sprung forwards, gripping his face in both hand and kissing him soundly.

Jack may not actually act like a genius very often, but he could freaking read emotions, and the ones that went through Raimundo were whip fast and intense.

Shock.

Lust.

Despair.

Raimundo pulled away and groaned.

"Oh god… now I know what Spicer pity _tastes _like…" he groaned, hanging his head in his hands and Jack smirked

"Eh, I owed you that much, after all, breakup sex is the best." Jack grinned evilly and Raimundo met his eyes.

"Sex?" he asked, seeming somewhat timid.

"Yep. Sex." Jack grinned and Raimundo abruptly backed up.

"Whoa! Hey, wait, no way!" he yelled and Jack crossed his arms.

"Tch, I must have read that wrong then." he sniggered, pointing down at Raimundo's crotch the monk growling lowly.

"Thought you were straight as an arrow." he accused and Jack surged forwards into his little personal bubble.

"Eh, I'm also evil. Evil _lies_." he shrugged then kissed the monk again.

It was half making out and half battle and Jack was almost certain he'd have bruises over 60 percent of his body in the morning but hell, did he care? Nope.

Well, until the door to his basement opened.

"Jackie-poo, I had that nice Mexican nanny you like make cook--" Jack's mother said, overly coifed head poking down into his lair for the first time in three years.

Why did his mother have such horrible timing?

She blinked at the scene, her son nearly straddling a young Cuban boy, both of them in varied states of arousal, Jack's face red and embarrassed.

"MOM!" Jack yelled, pointing accusingly at her. "What did I say about coming into the lair!?"

"Oh um, well Jackie I um…" she stammered then sighed. "I knew I shouldn't have let you spend so much time with Nana Spicer, she's a terrible old bint…"

"Nana Spicer's great!" Jack declared, Raimundo flushed. Um, was the self-proclaimed 'evil genius' talking about his grandmother while he was on top of him?!

"whatever, I thought you'd want some cookies and to go with your father to crush that old middle eastern company this afternoon but I see you're busy raping your guest so I'll just go back to my ogling of the pool boy." the mother Spicer sighed and retreated out of the room, Jack frowning.

"our pool boy's a robot…" Jack muttered and Raimundo pushed him off.

"okay, that's it, I'm outta here." he declared, straightening his clothes and Jack chuckled a little.

"Fine, since I'm not your nemesis anymore, I guess you can drop by whenever you want." he shrugged and Rai froze, glancing back at him.

"Why would I want to do that?" he growled, turning away, scowling, and Jack smirked.

"because it's not like you're going to find another guy willing to fuck you that the other monks aren't going to find out about." Jack stated and Rai glared back at him again.

"I'm leaving." he declared and stomped to the door.

"I'll leave my window unlocked for you." Jack waved pleasantly and Rai disappeared after angrily glaring at him once more, Jack smirking and sitting at his desk.

Objective one in his plot to take over the world was a success.

And people really said he wasn't evil?

HA!

End. Yeah, I seriously love this, it's so… Evil!

That and I LOVE writing such awkward things! It makes me happy!

There is a possibility of a sequel but right now, I'm not so sure… maybe if a buncha people reviewed and stuff…

Mehehehe… evil.


End file.
